I wish I could remember my first sin – the first conscious awareness that my freedom could be misused and create blocks to the intimacy I shared with GOD. I guess it doesn’t really matter because when I made my first “confession” in second grade, I remember very clearly I had a list! Some kids were nervous about not having enough sins and asked to borrow a few as we waited on line. I had plenty to share! I was a scrupulous little kid – always sorry for something.
I believe there was a time before I disappointed God – a state of wholeness undefiled by guilt like that enjoyed by Adam and Eve before their “fall". As they hid from God in that garden, overwhelmed by shame, I know that the sight of me - utterly devoid of illusion, artifice, and rationalization -cannot be sustained for longer than it takes to do an examination of conscience. To be seen as God sees me would be too overwhelming. I might have to shift that beatific gaze with some diversionary tactics or even suggest that it’s all God’s fault anyway for making me so selfish and stubborn. I might also have to accept that I am loved so deeply that none of my tragic flaws will cause us to really part company. I might just have to embrace the God who is in this with me until we arrive back at that place we started out – that garden where we walked together in the days before disappointment, in the hour called delight.
Blessings and Lenten love,
- Sister Vicki
